H(caps)ave you ever heard about the word ‘ego’? Ofcourse you have. Usually we do get confused between the very thin line between ego and our true self. Here with the word ‘true self’, I actually means our ‘self esteem’. Sometimes, in fact a lot of times, I also wonder, how do I know if I am acting out of ego or I am acting out of my authentic or true self.
Some school of thought believe that they are same but there is a slight difference between both of them. The very thing line between ego and self esteem determines how do we manage our day to day life, our relationships, whether personal or professional. Let’s make it more clear through examples.
➤ Love for oneself.
People with great self esteem handle themselves with great love and value. The value they place for themselves is realistic. They know their weaknesses and strengths. They are not pretentious but rather accept their wrongs and defects because they know they are not perfect but strive towards perfection. While on the other hand, people with big egos love themselves too much in everything they do. They don’t care about their flaws. The love they have for themselves, makes them perfect, and others imperfect.
➤ Expecting favours.
People with self esteem will never do anything in order to get the reward in return. They’re always selfless in everything they do. This is because they know, we are all we need in the world and we all need each other to survive in this world. This is not the case with egoistic person. They are only interested in the things they get benefit from. They always use other people as a means to an end.
➤ Caring about oneself.
People with higher self esteem tends to be good listeners because they consider others in every thing they do. They will never try to be the center of attention. They are empathetic and can create more rewarding relationships with others. Unlike people with high ego they don’t care about anyone but themselves. Whatever the case, they must always be the center of attention. They can be narcissistic and can’t be able to handle relationships.
➤ Accepting Criticism.
When you look critically at yourself and accept constructive criticism, you can mature and evolve.
-Jorge Gonzalez Moore
This shows the clear difference between the egoistic person and someone with the high self esteem. People with big ego cannot stand being criticized and they see it as an attack on their exaggerated ideas about themselves. They feel that their weaknesses are about to be revealed and they act angrily when criticized. On the other hand, people with healthy self esteem don’t hide their imperfections and accept their wrongs. Thus, they take their criticism very mild and use it to become better versions of themselves. They appreciate criticism especially when it is constructive criticism.
➤ Taking care of others.
In life, you can’t give, if you don’t have. People with bug ego can’t love healthily because they don’t love for anyone but for themselves. They are concerned about themselves only. So they can’t be worried about other person because they believe everything should be about them alone. This is not the case with people with high self esteem. They accept, value and adore themselves, because of this, they can have fruitful relationships.
Considering what actually the difference between ego and self esteem is, we might consider someone with a big ego, as a person who is just arrogant and thinking himself of God’s gift to humanity. That’s what I also used to associate with the word ego until I actually realized what it is.
Instead of understanding that all of us have an ego and our ego is there to try to protect us from shame. It’s like the cover or shield that is trying to protect us from vulnerability but what it really does in the process is that, it also prevents us from authenticity . So instead of learning how to be resilient, how to have a healthy relationship with ourselves, how to be able to manage emotions when things are not that great.
So the question arises, Why is it not good to act out of ego? I believe, the answer to this question is that the ego keeps us stuck and frustrated and unsatisfied. Because the ego has the proving energy. Ego tries to prove that we are good enough, smart enough, interested enough. That’s our ego in action that puts us in defensive mode.
So, how do we know if I am acting out of ego? Let’s talk about it with one by one.
Ego
1. What can I prove?
Am I trying to probe something to someone or even to my own-self? Am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? All that sense of proving ourselves comes from ego.
2. What can I protect?
Am I trying to Protect something? Am I trying to hide myself out of fear of vulnerability, out of fear of being hurt, out of fear of something that I don’t want to be in that way. When we are not trying things, or when we are not letting ourselves taking risks, we are stepping in to the unknown, because we are scared that it will not work out the way we want it to be. So we are actually trying to protect our ego from disappointment or shame. In those cases, we judge and criticize ourselves terribly. It’s not that we are protecting ourselves from the surroundings but we are actually protecting ourselves from our own-selves. Because, it’s about how we treat ourselves when we don’t get the results we expected.
3. What can I perfect?
How can I make this perfect? What do I need to make this perfect? This is also ego based because again I am trying to protect myself from the reality that ‘I am an imperfect being’. Many of us think that in order to be loved, to be respected, valued and worthy, we have to be perfect. When we are moving out of perfectionism, that is ego based.
4. Who can I please?
When we try to move through our lives by neglecting our needs and desires in order to please other people or to let other people think certain way about us (so that we can feel good about it) . It’s trying to control other people’s thoughts about us. I am not taking about being generous, kind and compassionate, because that comes from inside of us and we don’t expect anything in return. But people pleasing is when we try to get something in return or we are trying to get their approval or acknowledgment so that we can feel okay.
So when you’re going through life or doing something or stopping yourself to do something, take a pause and think am I doing one of those things that are mentioned above.
Now let’s talk about Authenticity or the true self also called self esteem.
Authenticity
1. What can I create?
When we are stepping in to the life let’s think what we can create that is meaningful, that is valuable, not just for me, but for others as well (may be for the society as a whole). How can I use who I am as a human being, my talents, my abilities, my passions to create something.
2. What can I contribute?
How can I contribute through my creativity to make this world a better place. Contributing respect, contributing kindness, contributing love, contributing my gift, talents and abilities to this world. This makes us expand, learn and grow without having the desire to prove something to someone or to please someone. Rather, this is a natural way to give to the society without expecting anything in return.
3. How can I connect?
How can I show up in my authenticity? How can I communicate in a way that is clean. If my motivation is to connect instead of divide it makes us naturally and genuinely our authentic selves.
4. What can I cultivate?”
What can I build, grow and experience in this life that is interesting and meaningful and let me engaged through life. And also what can I contribute and create to and for this world.
Did you see? When we are functioning from our authentic self, there is not anxious, proving, forcing energy. It’s like a natural flow from within ourselves. When we are not seeking out from others. Then we not trying to get permission or approval from other people. Then only, we can show up in our authenticity. We can show up as a sort of clean self instead of different kind of proving and pleasing energies. When we trust ourselves, when we feel secure who we are, then the ego just naturally fades away. We naturally shows up as a clean authentic version of ourselves.
Make sure, you are gentle with yourself, kind to yourself while you’re on the journey of betterment.
